Ready to be Debt Free?!
Hi! Welcome to the member video blog that I’m entitling “Creating a Debt-Free Life.” This video is designed to go with the public video that I called “Forgiving Debt,” part of the “Forgiveness Fallacies” series. In that public video I talked about how the concept of debt cannot be applied to relationships. We cannot say that somebody owes us something in a relationship because they haven’t lived up to our expectations.
But I don’t mean to imply that relationships can’t be unbalanced. Very often in a relationship one person is doing a lot of the giving and the other person is doing a lot of the receiving. That does create an imbalance which can feel like debt for the giver, because they’re investing more than they’re getting out.
The REAL Source of Imbalance
It’s important for us to realize that the reason we are not receiving is because we are not good at receiving. It has very little to do with whether others value us or want to give us gifts, and instead with the fact that we are not good at receiving gifts. Most of us are hardwired for either giving or receiving early in life. We get really good at giving, for example, and our ability to receive lags behind. That becomes part of our spiritual journey, getting the balance back.
If you are someone who gives a lot in relationships, and doesn’t feel like you’re receiving very much, you have a receiving lag. The reason you probably have a receiving lag is early in your life you didn’t receive the care that you needed from your parents or guardians. That’s because parents are not perfect. They are imperfect, and do not respond perfectly to our needs. Our needs were denied at an early age, and we addressed that by giving, giving, giving. We start investing in this relationship in the hopes that we will get this need met. But, of course, the problem is we’re good at giving and bad at receiving. Even if somebody wants to respond to our need, they’re not going to be able to get through. We’re blocked in receiving.
Becoming Our Own Caretakers
For today’s exercise what I want to do is get in touch with those places in our lives where we experienced a failure of care from somebody else. They are experiences which probably feel resentful or painful for us – and likely we’re still living out of that drama.
I want to be clear that you can forgive your caretakers, and still have unmet need. A lot of people in this field have done a lot of work around forgiveness. We understand why our parents or guardians failed us, we understand they were human, we let them off the hook. But the problem is that need is still going unaddressed.
I want to invite you to get in touch with an experience in which your need was not addressed appropriately – probably at a very young age. Figure out what that child needed. Then figure out what you’re going to do about it now. Now you’re the adult dealing with a child, and you are the caretaker. What are you going to do to respond to that need?
This is a good journaling exercise, or a good opportunity for a voice dialoguing exercise, where you can actually talk out loud to the child. Basically you’re trying to figure out what the child didn’t get and how to give it to them now. When you do that you replace the faulty caretakers with yourself, who is the perfect caretaker. Come up with two or three things you’re going to do this week to respond to the need of that child. The child’s need may be as simple as the need to play, in which case you need to go play! What could you do that feels like playing? The child’s need could as simple as being safe. What could you do to create safety? If you need some support in doing this exercise please reach out to me. I would love to help you access this healing process. If you can do it on your own, that’s awesome too. I would love to hear how it goes for you. So please feel free to share your insights here on this page. Either way I really look forward to talking with you soon. Bye!